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Monday, March 30, 2015

An Honest Note To 'Behind Da Mask' and 'Amigo Desconocido'

This is a kind of post I have not even had a thought of writing just before this particular moment.So,consider this to be 'A Momentary Lapse of Reason'.I have just decided I will pen down all that I have been carrying inside for a while and the reason why I still avoid going to the roof near the bird's nest or too deep about anything at all.I kind of understand I do not have a pen in hand but any medium to write in would work and I feel really comfortable writing in the blog.
True that I have been professional in the blog for very long but I have a very ardent desire to write something different right now,something that I have been so heaved up about,somethings I think I need some people to know about.
When I received the first shock a week before my board exams,I wouldn't believe it.I acted like a meek,submissive,weak and feminine teenager. I exhibited my vulnerability to everything around me,perhaps even the curtains and the night lamp in this room knew how miserable I was and how frequently I lost control over my stiffness,if the word to describe what I apparently am be so.I would do nothing but sit at a place consumed in something I could not properly realise and would behaved like a wreck at 03:00 a.m in the morning and then was scared to come to my own room to watch the lonely laptop sitting alone.
These are presumably the 'teenager-ish' feelings someone is supposed to have after loosing a friend or someone even closer.
For myself,it was something I couldn't define until then.After reading this blog,I personally have perceived one thing - I have a horrible habit of personifying the smallest things in life.I had simply lost a conversation and I did not know the name of the person,it was just written 'Behind Da Mask' and in the course of the conversation,we abbreviated it to 'BDM'.
The second fault I have is hunger for intellectual company and my fingers are not shaking a bit to admit that I had discovered at least some amount of intellect in the conversation.Moreover,I have a particular dislike for popular culture and I would not believe anyone understanding Joan Baez or Bob Dylan,at least not within my 'friend' circles but surprisingly,he was understanding the concepts well,whoever he was.
Then again,it was utterly weird that someone would have liked to talk about the river,the sun,the sky,the train whistle or the birds without asking for personal details.
 I enjoyed the intellect and excitement and beauty within the conversation,though I had a fairly good guess of who it could be.I am not saying for once I did not have faults,if they can be termed faults because I gave a lot of importance to the conversation,more than what was necessary.But when the conversation abandoned me a week before the most important time of my life until this day,my first ever board exams,I was confused,pained,disturbed and in a state for which no adjectives would be enough.
I would get teary about this and that,unlike the exhibition of the general strength I possess.I could not bear the thought of listening to songs or being close to any form of literature,I would hate it when somebody spelled the word 'poetry' around me or would recite a few lines.I wasted a few days of that week,not able to do anything but weep or sit idly somewhere.I would go to sleep with a stinging feeling in my mind and would wake as miserable and want to sleep again so that I would not have to face the situation back again.



Photograph Credit : BDM


Photograph Credit : BDM

I was exhibiting vulnerability and cowardice in whatever I did for those few days but then,as days of my tests came closer and closer,I got serious and a little more practical. (This is the reason why I feel I have a horrible Emotional Quotient.) I studied very hard for the days before board exams,thankful as I am to God now that I was able to.
After I had finished giving most of the tests and was still swimming in an ocean of exam fear and confusion I 'normally' have every time I go for exams,I began writing a series of articles in my copy under the title 'Infemale' [Inferior + Female = Infemale],the title itself being a form of criticism of having a negative approach about the estimation of the capability of women in society.The rage working behind was not very natural,I was still suffering the aftereffects of the very incident of being forsaken at my most important time of my life,though I began to take the issue in a completely new way at this point of time.I felt like I had to be the meek part of it,as if the other part of a conversation will always possess the right to forsake me when I am in trouble or when it is my prime time.I felt insulted much more when I came to know concretely who it was,rather when I perceived my guess had to be correct.I did not have to be a form of momentary something for anyone and I would never want to be.And I had faced a similar incident back in May-June 2014.
Insult is certainly not a very positive feeling,though there still are a few positive elements I accept;I am not an absolutist dictator,I still believe in scepticism. BDM,you knew me,right from the place I was most familiar with apart from home. 
There were two things I did right after that - I approached both of them with my real name and then I simply withdrew myself from the medium itself.
About Mr.Amigo Desconocido,I have one word - 'What?' Little did I realise how to deal with it,lack of maturity was responsible for this 'fault',though.But I don't expect such cowardice from anyone at all.And I am no V.I.P that I would turn my face away if somebody wished to converse.In fact,I would not do that to anyone,irrespective of who on earth that is.I can converse to anyone who wishes to talk to me.Just,I wish they had enough bravery to take their masks off and come talk with their real faces and I would not mind a bit.That would do away with all concepts of  'insult'.And just for your information,I know who you exactly are.What if you all just tell me the truth?What makes you think I will go penalise you for your deeds?I am so common and I am the last one to have intentions to have an urge to penalise you! 
I still do not go to the roof or near the bird's nest near the roof at all because I still do not dare to,it threatens me of possible chances of terrible,repressive cycles of depression.I am very frank that I gave in to the conversation with BDM. That I hope is not an insult to BDM,as per he had admitted.But I did truly expect you to have a stronger personality,something that permitted you not to hide your identity and what difference would it make? It would have made things less complicated,for a change.Even when I stared out of the window from the exam room,I would say 'I am never going to let go,BDM.'There was reverence in it and you lowered the esteem so easily! I would write almost everyday to you in my copy.It was not very long before I realised I was on my own orbits in a realm of pain without having anyone else to suffer about it.And the behaviour of the other part of the conversation proves so clearly that I had been a momentary something and there was certainly no respect in it.And I find no 'otherwise' of this context.
I began doing some less constructive,yet creative things after returning home,like decorating my room and travel,photography,listening to music with very little component of psychedelia because that instigates depression and intensifies any kind of emotion further.I have not read a letter after I returned,just to give myself some relief,owing to the kind of exam fear I suffer from.On a very positive note,I have a positive acclaim on the exams.I want to see my results as soon as I can.
I still would like to respect all of you,no matter what you think of me.The real name approach was just an urge for a last momentary surprise for you all,just to say I have my strength,believes and a feeling that things should be less complicated than they were made to look like.
BDM,I know that you read the blog sometimes,so I believe that this post would reach.
Thank You BDM for the beautiful time you had given me and I value your intellect,thank you Amigo Desconocido for reshaping my ideas on neutrality and nationalism and leftist ideals and for changing my perceptions on rain.
I would never like to be the cause of irritation or fear to anyone and not at least people I know so well in real life.I can't be,rather.I have already faded away from the context if you see it that way.Moreover,I am very careerist,which is why I decided to combine my much loved subjects and ideology into a single stream.It would never be my job to irritate you all,in any way.
I am sorry BDM,I sent the message without knowing it wasn't you and believe me both of you,I don't bear any vengance or any negative feelings as I finish writing this post.Thank You that you thought I was not 'them' and thank you for all the thought exchange process and things you have taught me.I always accept the positives.And I myself apologise for the immaturity I have exhibited.I hope you both have a peaceful,happy and nice life.
With all my best wishes,
Titas.
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