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Sunday, April 5, 2015

The Last Note To 'Behind Da Mask'

BDM,
I am sorry I had to take up the job of writing to you - yet again.And I am sorry I am having to write it in public because I do not know the other route anymore.And I further apologise in case this apparently seems to be an insult or threat or simply a psychological error from my side.But since this is 'the last' note,I will write it with all that I have understood till date - the good,the bad and the best.I apologise again for being so stern in my last blog post.But now that I have passed through all those stages,I am neither stern,nor arrogant and I am not blaming anyone for anything.Rather,as days pass,I feel like I am glorifying the best of the conversation.They help me write much better than is possible with my general capability.I am not sure how that happens but I do feel the magic in my fingertips and on the pen's ink drawing figures on the pages constantly.
Perhaps you wished me success from deep inside,perhaps you really wanted me to forget everything else and concentrate and I took it in a very different sense,something that you never even meant.I am glad about your contribution to a part of my growing up.I am glad that someday you were glad simply because I shared so minor incidents and experiences of my life with you.It was my fault to get so attached to the conversation,I know.I realised it from the very beginning that it will be extremely painful once this was over.So,I kind of knew,from my intuitions that this was not going to last forever.
Forget my super-feminist approaches.I think too much sometimes.And I had to aid myself with some reasoning in order to settle things into something close to 'normal' back again.And I am not sure if you are glad or disgusted that I am so frank about everything about this and that too in public but "I care about nothing today."
I wonder if a smile still comes up as you read this,I am not even sure if you ever will read this.I am sorry about my momentary anger,it was like sudden hyperinflation in the market.Horrible context,right?I understand.I just don't like pretending about anything and I am not pretending to be anything,not even a mere writer as I write this.I am sitting here,watching myself mess up with something and yet as this messing up is for the last time,I want to do it completely.
As I have said before,I have already faded away from the context,so forget causes of worry,at least I won't be the cause for someone's negative feelings.I can't be,not because I know you but for what you have given me.I took a very bold decision of going ahead with Eco-Stat and every time I feel a little worried about going against the stream,I remember your words about success and choices. 



Photograph Credit : BDM




And every time I listen to Bob Dylan or Joan Baez,it reminds me of the conversation.So,it's alright,whatever has been positive in there,you have shared it with me. You have at least shown support,be it virtual.Not many people would do that but you have exhibited your boldness too,be it momentarily.The entire philosophy sometimes feels like one of Bob Dylan's songs to me.I am not in a positive mood,so this is not a momentary lapse of anything at all.I am writing with all my senses upright and erect and alive.
You came,you encouraged and you left and that was within a few photographs,comments and less than 1000 messages.within a period of less than two months.You deserve praise for this.You intensified my senses on things so regular - the sky,the train whistle,the birds,the trees,the wind,the rain and I have to thank you for being there,too.
About the most important thing perhaps,now that I know who you are,it makes no difference at all.And as it changes nothing,I have nothing to sue,nothing to gain,nor to loose.I had always sort of guessed that it could be you.I am glad we have a person who is a socialist,environmental activist and a science enthusiast(nerd) in this town! I personally also appreciate the nationalist spirit,though it never existed in me that ardently.I am actually a little shy about exhibiting purely weird psychological traits from my side and being so frank personally.But it is better someone knows that my psychology is weird and I am not filled with blind pride and that particular nervousness is not something that I control and I get hyperactive about almost everything at times.
I am also shy for being so,so silly on those days.And as for your mask,you took it off even without realising it.I am also sorry for being so nosy ad finding it all out by myself but I don't care,the truth is always the truth.That you are you yourself and not somebody else never changed,it apparently seemed like something else for a while.And about the Oscar Wilde's lines,I liked your interest in literature,which went beyond limits of Bengali literature only.The interest on country music and particularly Joan Baez is further appreciated from my side.And I sometimes smile to myself about all the awkwardness so exhibited at the workplace.
I am not sorry that I initiated the conversation from that wrong message delivery,that was too much daring,I know.I had a lot to gain,rather I have gained a lot till date from you.And I am thankful.Let me erase all the bitterness as I end this note.Thank You,a lot many times,again and yet again.
You are never to be forgotten on all the contexts possible.
Titas
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