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Wednesday, May 20, 2015

What Do You Do The Day Before Your Board Exams Result Are Out?

As per most of the media houses,CBSE Class 10 Results 2015 are going to be published on 21st May,2015. After that formal opening,the rest of the post is going to be very informal.I am tensed enough to start writing a post when it is 01:02 a.m (and it is 20th May!) and I have not studied a letter today (from the syllabus of Class 11). 
When the news was out,I was checking news related to CBSE Results at late night on 19th May.I tried to read a part of Malgudi Days' excerpt included in our syllabus and of course it did not work a bit.So,what I did was to get myself to seek refuge under sleep and gladly enough,I was able to get some sleep even after that.
Today,I spent most of my time outside home so that the news would not be bothering me much.But when I came back this evening,I knew this was time.I had to face this,I have to face this,no matter how much scared I am about everything.Let me declare it proudly that my parents are at least 15 times cooler than me in nature and they are very,very liberal.So,the pressure is not coming from my parent's high hopes.It entirely is my disease that I have this much trouble in dealing with pre-exam and post-exam phobia.
I went up to my other favourite place in this house except my room - the roof from which I maintained exile for quite a while.It was not too risky today,I was already heaved up to the extent that nothing else would have even affected me in any other way than everything already was.



My most favourite click from the roof!



Of course I did think about a lost friend and everything associated but such helpless thoughts are helpful when you are heaved up,they let you temporarily finish your search for some fresh air and freedom from never ending pretension of being 'fine','okay','great' and whatsoever lies.


Let me admit this,I do not know what to do now,I do not know how to handle this.I read my diary,at least what I had written for the last one and a half months and they are so depressive in nature that even the most optimistic of people would pay some credit to such an incredible piece of human expression.I do not know who can stay cool and who cannot but I can't - I can never handle tension.I have been awfully pessimistic about even recitation and quiz competitions in my life!



Right now,I can't read,I can't write anything constructive,I can't understand what to do,I do not know whom to talk to and of course I can't sleep.Today,I spent hanging out all day with a friend (Sonalika from That Color Red) to stay a little relieved - at least we divided the heaviness we both are facing currently.Let me also clarify how we know each other,we have studied together since Class IV and have been (and still are) very close friends for 6.5 years!
We have had a lot in common since then - A keen interest in Russian Literature,A 'Thing' about Politics of all sorts (which is even more radically left-aligning in case of her),An interest in Literature itself as a subject,Music,Left Front in India,A Common Virtual (May be Real in the real sense!) Friend,Common Verdicts about discriminative people,Moody nature and a terrible inability to quarrel in the workplace.

I believe there are several strong people out there who are past caring about this issue at all but for me,at the last moments,nice advices,attempts to cool down or take things lightly (I have never been able to do this.) - nothing works.The only activity that is giving me some peace right now is playing my keyboard.I would just try anything on it,it takes me at least far from crowds,far from thoughts,far from sorrow and far from fear.

I have registered myself multiple times so that I at least do not have to face last minute crowding with the anti-peristalsis I am facing,in the real sense,I mean.
I would have loved a word from our common (virtual or real) friend right now for that has nice impacts on both of us (Sonalika and me),irrespective of what the situation is.But since that perhaps is not possible,I would do with a few words from myself.I am going to play music for the rest of the time and may be go upstairs today and watch the stars without a cloudy vision (perhaps) after 2 months and 26 days.May be that will help.May be 21st will ultimately arrive.May be what I wish will come true.


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