How's Life?

 I want to do this "Hi! Welcome back..." thing that people do when they have woken up from uninterrupted dormancy. Like, I want to do this thing live, put it on a video clip and upload it on YouTube. But I don't really own the best video equipment, and am in need of a job that suits my whimsicality and mood swings and allows me to do creative things that are not academic in nature. I'm not taking a break with academia, don't think I ever will, I'm as obsessed with it as I have ever known a human individual to be obsessed with something. I am desperately looking for a window here, one that would allow me to breathe and exhale. Something that does not have a lot to do with the liminal spaces between words. Something that allows me to express and have control at the same time. I have also, honestly, missed writing this blog so much! I have been through things to be honest - physical setbacks, psychological setbacks, fights with my own self, conflicts, wars...you name it. I am only learning to be kind to myself for the first time ever. After having lived for twenty one and a half years, I think I still haven't learned to be kind to myself. It wasn't before I was diagnosed with bulimic tendencies - one problem that is considered to be a developed white countries problem in general. I think it was only then that the alarms were set off inside my head and the only message my mind and my body would process is a mere survival instinct. It was hard at first, I had forgotten to enjoy the taste of food, to feel the hunger pangs inside my stomach, to enjoy the glory of reading poetry, to visualise beautiful night skies inside my head and to imagine a greater space that used to connect me with the greater world. I used to be a person who wanted to run in the middle of paddy fields at midnight, the person who would stare at the moon at 2 a.m. The weird, quiet, sensitive one. I think I grew into a lone wolf. I began compensating my hunger for more by conflating it with my need for acquiring knowledge...which is a valid need. I have had these insatiable hunger for eating, swallowing things, absorbing from them since I was a child. I learned eating while noting down death tolls. I learned how to survive trauma, seal up the wounds, let go and more. I am definitely not a pro when it comes to mental health yet, but I am an ally to the larger struggle that women of all kinds constantly go through all over the world every moment, every day. It took me a lot of time to convince myself to let the world know a bit of what I had gone through, what I have been going through so that we can be in this together. I think I endured so much pain that I sort of wrapped myself up, built a wall around me, only hoped for a better future and in the process, I stopped communicating. Even with my own self. I am now mature and contained enough to know ignorance leads nowhere and I am not going to let myself endure any more pain without a purpose that I feel deserves the same. I have always wanted to be someone who teaches sociology from an experiential account that can be merged with the theories. That job will demand that I go through grief and so be it but I think I have learnt enough to not allow myself to torment me for things that I don't deserve to be grieving about. This story is also not as grave as it sounds because I have been writing first-author academic papers, I have been doing some other things that I will slowly let you people know that are very exciting. I have also been cooking a lot, dreaming of painting (so I will go buy some art supplies in a while) and gardening and working out and I think it is such a great time to begin writing the blog again! I will be writing a couple of posts at least every week from now. See you soon! Sending a lot of love.